Making friends as you get older isn’t always easy, and figuring out who’s truly good for you can be even harder. While friendships are supposed to feel supportive and positive, some can slowly turn draining without you realizing it. According to psychiatrist Sue Varma, there’s one behavior that can quickly reveal if someone might not be the right kind of friend.
Why Making Friends As An Adult Feels Different
When you’re younger, friendships tend to happen naturally. You see the same people every day at school, share experiences, and bonds form without much effort. As an adult, things change. Work, responsibilities, and busy schedules leave less room for spontaneous connections.
The American Psychological Association reports that about half of adults feel lonely at times, which says a lot about how common this struggle is. Even if you’re surrounded by people, it doesn’t always mean you feel truly connected to them.
That’s why many people try new ways to meet others, like joining clubs, picking up hobbies, or volunteering. These can lead to great friendships, but they also require more effort and patience than before.
“Following up is really key — and being persistent. A lot of time, people will say, ‘I’m just busy this time.’ It doesn’t mean that they’re rejecting you because I think we read into things. Just say, ‘No problem, but let me know when would be good.'” explained Sue Varma, a New York-based psychiatrist, in an inteview for TODAY.
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Friendship Takes Effort, But Also Awareness
Sue Varma points out that real friendships don’t happen overnight in adulthood. They grow slowly, through shared moments, trust, and consistency. Putting in the effort matters, and those efforts can lead to strong and rewarding relationships.
She also reminds us that the quality of your relationships plays a big role in your overall happiness. Good friends can make life feel lighter, while the wrong ones can have the opposite effect.
That’s why it’s important to stay aware when you’re getting to know someone new. Instead of focusing only on how fun or interesting they seem, it helps to notice how they behave over time. Small details, like how they talk about others or react in certain situations, can tell you a lot.
The Red Flag You Shouldn’t Ignore
One of the biggest warning signs is surprisingly simple: people who constantly speak badly about others. According to Sue Varma, this behavior says a lot about someone’s mindset. If a person regularly criticizes friends, coworkers, or even strangers, it can be a sign of negativity or lack of empathy. And sooner or later, that same attitude might be directed at you.
It also raises questions about trust. If someone is comfortable talking behind other people’s backs, it’s hard to feel confident they won’t do the same to you. Healthy friendships are built on respect and loyalty, not judgment and gossip.
Today, with social media and constant messaging, it’s easy to mistake frequent interaction for real connection. But genuine friendships go deeper than that. Choosing people who are kind, supportive, and consistent can make a huge difference in how you feel day to day, and help you avoid relationships that quietly drain your energy.
